Help! I'm an introvert with an extroverted boss!

I frequently teach graduate level courses for aspiring leaders. Most of these working professionals have experience ranging from a couple years to several decades. My classes deal with topics such as how an organization is a system that affects the behavior of its members, leadership as specific behavior rather than formal position, the nature of power and influence, dynamics of leading change, and others. One of the most rewarding aspects of this role is my ability to observe the awakening among these capable adults as I guide them to reflect on their own workplaces and interactions.

Among my students who are introverts as well as clients and friends, I sometimes have heard comments similar to these that seem to reflect how their boss may be managing as an extrovert, among other traits:  
She has to weigh-in and meddle in every issue. 
He sends out masses of emails with delegated tasks on tight deadlines that serve mainly to flatter his own stature in the organization.  
She forces me to think on a dime when I need time to reflect. 
He doesn't listen. 

While it's usually possible to see how such bosses can continue to maintain their authority role, it makes us question their ability to truly lead in a way that generates respect and shows integrity. It also can make us cynical if we accept that is all it takes to climb the corporate ladder. And, in fact, research shows that frequently extroverts do garner more promotions and make more money than introverts.

A classic but largely hidden conflict lies between diligent introverts and their extroverted bosses yet it seems that many bosses are extroverted. It takes concentrated effort to apply the principles (summarized in my first book) of asserting your right to be different - to seek time to reflect, to rely on competence rather than glib talk, to build influence by trading expertise, and so on. The first step of accepting your introversion as a strength can be relatively easy compared to the ongoing challenge of an extroverted boss. It can be surmounted, of course, mainly by developing a strong personal connection coupled with your innate competence and a good dose of assertiveness (as you follow the plan). But the cost of an extroverted boss to energy and time sometimes can be high.

Isn't it time that organizations and their executives rethink personnel decisions that are founded in culturally stuck stereotypes?  Dr. Greg Gull says: "Until we make ... organizations as social systems in service to humankind ... human development will remain unrealized, a fantasy."

Organizations and workplaces serve all of us, with our diverse personalities and ways of being in the world. Extroverts have no automatic pass to the management suite.

Competent introverted professionals will continue to expend needless energy abiding an extroverted boss until our work culture recognizes that one doesn't need to be an extrovert to manage, much less to lead. By discarding the myth of leadership as control by talk and hair-trigger movement, organizations might avoid waste of much precious introvert potential.

Interpersonal Skills for Introverts: Appreciate Yourself More as an Introvert to Gain Confidence

Lately I've been captivated by a couple of extroverts in action. Once was simply seeing a photo of a well- known celebrity (no, I won't name names) among some adoring folks seated chatting with her in an informal setting. They were clearly enchanted in the extreme.  What struck me?  These people looked genuinely happy. There was no artifice - only pure enjoyment. 

Okay, I'll say it: People who are naturally extroverted usually are fun. Now, I'll likely catch some flak for saying that from some of my introverted friends. (And of course it's not a universal truth because some extroverts are not fun.) But many introverts do indeed know that as much as extroverts may annoy them from time to time, extroverted pals are the proof that opposites really do attract. It's the warmth. The smiles. The twinkling eyes accompanied by effortless chat.

We introverts have all those qualities too - just not as a universal way of being with others out in the world. Don't misunderstand me: we are fun.  But we can be pigeon-holed as morose by our extroverted Western culture. That's sometimes a real tragedy in our lives and frequently a very real professional challenge that we have to surmount and overcome.  Merely by virtue of being quiet, we are occasionally slotted as being not only boring but just not that much fun to be around! (Not to mention vacuous - "if you're not talking, you have nothing to say" is such a tragic and false assumption about introverts.) Even more damaging perhaps is when being quiet is falsely viewed as lacking interpersonal capabilities - another myth.

I am tempted to suggest that we find a way to be what extroverts are.  And that is surely a strategy in small doses and in carefully chosen settings. It usually means knowing our subject and becoming totally comfortable in the element that we're in. Think of that nerdy kid you knew in 6th grade when he got to talk about his passion in class.  Heck, you may have been that nerdy kid - so you might think of the times and places where you are animated and seek to replicate that.

But - and it's a big but - I believe there's something fundamentally wrong about setting the goal of becoming more extroverted more often. Instead, I suggest that we appreciate extroverts for who they are and appreciate ourselves more for who we are.  It is the confidence that comes from being "comfortable in our skin" that gives the greatest boost to our professional demeanor and consequent success.  Not arrogant or timid, not resentful, not anything but truly accepting that, as an introvert, we are different in a good way. And, in fact, this acceptance often comes in part from knowing when we are in our element doing what we are good at.

Captivating?  Perhaps or perhaps not. But calm, capable, and confident and that's much more than enough.

Beyond Silence: The Savvy Introvert's Guide to Listening at Work

No one ever listened him or herself out of a job. 

This paraphrased quote from Calvin Coolidge, the 30th president of the United States, reminded me that as introverts we frequently talk less so we're less likely to talk ourselves out of a job. There's comfort in that and it's one of an introvert's strengths. But there is the flip side to it as well. Do we really listen or is it just that we're not talking? Most of the time we're processing what is being said but, since we're human, that may not always be true. Quiet isn't the same as really listening to someone. If we're just silent, but not genuinely listening, we're missing the point of the quote. 

To do well professionally, listening is important. For all kinds of reasons. Listening provides valuable information: about things that are important to getting your work done, like facts, and also about people. People are important to getting your work done in most professions. If you don't listen, you miss out. The importance of people shows up not only with clients but in that ubiquitous essential: your "network". I recommend reciprocity principles to build a strong network as an introvert: give and you will receive. This builds on your introvert strengths. It's simple and it works but it relies on listening! We can't know what to give to help someone out if we don't know what he/she needs or wants.   

How do you, an introvert, listen? I suggest three ways to get started and then you can embellish from there.   

1. Care - To listen to someone at work, you first have to care about them as a colleague or associate. It's that simple. You don't have to love them, or even like them necessarily, but you have to believe that they matter. Their ideas matter, their intentions matter, their efforts matter. This may sound easier than it is sometimes. It can take effort to care. But it also is an essential quality of a true professional.

2. Respect - To listen to someone at work, you have to respect what they have to say. You don't have to agree but you have to respect enough to be silent and take it all in and to think about its meaning. Again, not always simple but fundamental to listening.

3. Feedback - Finally, to listen to someone at work, you have to let them know that you care, respect, and are hearing what they are communicating. You do this with your eyes, your nods, your body stance that leans in or away or crosses legs or keeps arms open; with no side glances to check your text messages. You also do it verbally: from "Mmhmm" to "I see what you mean".  You do it by engaging and asking questions to better understand what they are saying. And you do it by telling them when you like their ideas and by encouraging them to expand their ideas. 

So go ahead, listen away, and be assured of some job security that builds on your savvy introversion.

Getting Along with Others as an Introvert: What's Your Story?

Ever get tired of being misjudged?  In my book, I tell of Jeannie, a woman who vehemently argues that all introverts are passive-aggressive. Huh?  It doesn't compute with me because I know better. I know what introversion as a personality type is and see through her stereotype.

However, because introversion is much maligned in this way by some who wish that we were all gregarious, sometimes it's natural to feel as if we're outcasts. Feel outcast long enough though and it can become your "story". In my book, I called this the "dark side of introversion".  It's when we come to define ourselves as an introvert. (Todd Kashdan, PhD also explained his view on this recently.) As if it's not enough for others to stereotype us, we begin to do a similar sort of categorization of ourselves that leads to a blurring of our uniqueness and cuts off our flexibility.  Mind you, this is different than merely acknowledging (and appreciating) our difference from extroverts; instead it morphs into a constraining label. It is "our story". 

In fact, in situations that are very comfortable for them, introverts can be indistinguishable from extroverts. So, what of your story, then? One of the fundamental premises of my program for leveraging an introvert's professional capabilities is becoming more comfortable with your introversion. Owning it. Because with that comes confidence and learning how to get along with others as an introvert rather than a fake. The goal is finding the ability to make a professional situation work better for yourself as an introvert. If we're at home with who we are, we take away their power to make us outcast.

But there is a fine line between owning it and becoming it.

Once we become our stories, we cut off growth. We short circuit flexibility. We forget that we're human first and introvert second. In the workplace, this can't lead anywhere good.

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WHAT'S NEW :  Two companion workbooks are now available: The Introverted Professional's Field Guide to Leveraging Quiet Competence, Volumes 1 and 2.  These take the program from The Introvert's Guide to Professional Success and provide a series of self-administered exercises and reflections to bring the concepts to life in your own career. The Field Guides expand and update many of the exercises introduced in the original book and bring in new ones. 

Introvert Networking Results: How to Gain Energy from an Unexpected Source

I love extraverts! An acquaintance recounted to me the story of one of those awkward gatherings where introverts (and shy people) stand around lamely laboring  to make small talk, secretly wishing that their pal who is the extravert will show up. The extraverted pal eventually emerged in a burst of energy. He talked nonstop about this, that, and the other thing - none of it consequential in the least.

Yet what happened next was a seeming miracle. Soon others were talking, mingling and, in short, networking. Having a great time and loving the interaction. Even when the extravert departed, the energy had shifted and the others continued chatting.

What's the lesson for you, the introvert? There are at least three.

One lesson is to take advantage of the extraverts in your midst when you're at a "networking" event. Appreciate what they bring rather than perhaps being irritated. Latch onto one. Get her talking with some well-thought questions, then sit back, and let it happen. This will help to conserve your own energy that is depleted by such events, as you know. With more energy, you can later approach someone quiet who is more like yourself and ask questions to get to know an introvert.

Another lesson is to realize that when the energy in a room shifts, it is easier for quiet people to be themselves. Consider: is there a way to help this transformation along? Humor is one approach. There is nothing like laughter to break the ice. Another approach is to have a topic to discuss prepared in advance and to simply find one person with whom to converse. If everyone were to do that, the room would be abuzz.

Last but not least, the lesson is that you don't need to be one (an extravert) in order to appreciate one.

No matter what, savor this difference between introverts and extraverts. Both bring something valuable to most interactions even though each sometimes struggles to find it!

The Heart of an Introvert's Influence at Work

Paul J. Zak, Ph.D., a self-identified introvert, claims to have found how to take advantage of a chemical in our brains, oxytocin, to increase happiness.

Oxytocin, which produces a sense of empathy, makes people more satisfied with their lives -- in a very real sense, happier. Dr. Zak began hugging people, looking in their eyes and inquiring about their feelings, and even telling them he loved them. He discovered that others responded with warmth. Happiness all around!

Zak also suggests liberal use of the word "service", as in "how can I be of service to you?"  While you probably won't want to start hugging others at work, this is something that even the most introverted among us can do to build relationships with our colleagues and a strategy that I recommend as well.

In The Introvert's Guide to Professional Success, I recommend this: Discover what others need that you can offer (as an introvert) and give it to them. Undertaken with sincere intent, the principle of reciprocity will serve you well in your career. By offering his service, Zak gets in return a community that makes him happier. And you can do the same.

Service. It goes to the heart of building influence with colleagues, bosses, and direct reports alike. And that influence is accompanied by a real relationship, built on your introverted qualities rather than a false persona.

In more than one way, service is a keystone to simply being happy.